To Cry It Out or not to Cry It Out?

A friend brought this article to my attention last night on Facebook, with a warning that it was rubbish advice and new mums should avoid it like the plague. I was intrigued, as the little blurb said something about training your baby, and I always find the idea of 'training' a baby an interesting one, since it seems to be THEM training us, and letting us mistakenly believe it's the other way round!

At first, I read through points 1 and 2, and started to think that maybe my friend and I had very different views on things. Start a regular routine - well we let Isabelle do that and we followed it. Be consistent (check), keep night and day separate (check) and find out what soothes your baby (check). So I was a bit worried she was at home thinking parents like Simon and I are awful. Then I read the next points.

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At it's heart, this is an article encouraging people to let their baby cry it out (CIO), or to use controlled crying (CC) to 'train' their baby to sleep, with the end goal of the parents getting a good night's sleep. Honestly, I'm not 100% sure what the difference between CIO and CC is, even after a quick Google, but they both seem to rely on roughly the same idea. Please feel free to correct me in the comments if I have the wrong end of the stick. You put your baby to bed awake, and let them cry, BUT you continue to go in at set intervals to ensure your baby is OK, and reassure them that you still exist. Gradually, the time between visits increases, and your baby realises that you are still there, and learns to self soothe. Not only that, but they learn to sleep through the night (STTN), or at the least, resettle themselves should they wake. The article linked above states that after 3-4 months, a baby is physically capable of making it through the night without food and, indeed, I know many babies who STTN much earlier than that.

So, while I understand the premise of CIO/CC, and I know some parents are at their wits end with horrific sleepless nights (I know my brother and sister in law were!), to me, CIO/CC is just not an option. The idea of purposefully leaving Isabelle to scream so she learns to settle herself just seems cruel to me. To me, CIO/CC does not teach her that I am still there somewhere even though she can't see me...it teaches her that when she cries, I will not come to her. It leaves her alone, upset and probably scared, until she realises I am not coming to soothe her and so she may as well not bother crying anymore.

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Now, I am NOT saying that CIO/CC is in anyway child abuse, please don't get me wrong on this next point, but whenever I read about it I can't help but remember the NSPCC advert which went something like "Tom doesn't cry anymore. He learnt that nobody will come when he does."And that just breaks my heart. Because to me, that's exactly what CIO/CC would do. Teach Isabelle that even if she cries, her mummy will not come back for her.

There are a lot of parenting labels out there, with natural parenting and attachment parenting amongst them. I don't think anyone is totally one thing, but I like to think I incorporate elements of NP and AP into my parenting style. It pains me to hear Isabelle truly cry, even for a minute, and the only times I have walked away from her crying are when I know Simon is there to step in instead. I cannot leave her to cry uncomforted, it just is not in me. I want her to know that if she cries, I am there for her. If not 100% of the time, as that just isn't always possible, then at least 95% of the time. I want her to be reassured that when she needs me, I will respond. People tell me I will spoil her, but I disagree. I am not giving her things she doesn't need. In my mind, a baby needs comfort from their mummy, and that is exactly what she gets - comfort from me when she needs it. Of course, my being there doesn't always stop her crying (God knows this week it hasn't!) BUT I am there, and she can rely on me (even if I am at wits' end and cursing her).

So, for me, CIO/CC totally go against this principle, and is not something I am happy to do. Yes, I may get a full night's sleep - something which was just an hour or two away last week, and this week couldn't be further from my grasp - but I am not willing to put Isabelle through 7 nights of hell just so I can get more sleep. To me, I signed up for this parenting gig, and a lack of sleep is part of that.

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I know that CIO/CC is something many families do, and it has worked. And they are happy, their child is certainly not scarred for life, nor does their child sit silently in the corner thinking their parent won't respond to their cries. I know that, as this is a controversial topic, many people will see this post as an attack on their parenting which is not what I mean it to be. I've said before that each family must do what is right for them, and I've also said before that Isabelle is a pretty good sleeper which no doubt skews my view on this issue. But, for me, CIO/CC is not an option for my family. Isabelle will not be a baby or toddler forever. I will not need to feed her to sleep each night, nor feed her once, twice, or four times during each night forever, so I am not willing to take part in CIO/CC to hurry along her natural progress.

And trust me...you haven't heard her cry. It is something pretty flippin' special when she gets going. My neighbours would have a petition against us doing CIO before the first hour was up!!

What about you? Have you used CIO/CC and it's worked wonders? Or are you thinking or trying it in the near future and think I'm a bit self-righteous?! Let me know in the comments below...